Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again