The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc