[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
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My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…