Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Need WebMD
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite