Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
* gets mugged *
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What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
SPLOOT
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?