me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb