I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
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FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.