On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.