“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping