Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Perfect
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
crazy
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.