My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
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My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!