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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes