Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.