The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*ernest hemingway voice*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for