Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
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[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped