Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Uh oh…
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.