Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito