6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
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*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.