Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”