“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*