[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.