A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.