I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Sending in my taxes
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️