boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
You Might Also Like
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My favorite farside!!
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
at ease…shoulder.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?