Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Why is no one talking about this?!
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
A Short Story.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die