Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
You Might Also Like
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Stonehinge
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I love the honesty
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times