I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”