I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”