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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.