China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I love twitter
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.