wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
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A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty