Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
You Might Also Like
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.