her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people