[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Welcome
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs