When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
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“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.