me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.