Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My work here is done
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.