If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona