Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I hope they boil the right one.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
welcome back
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
i think both sides are to blame here
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Extremely relatable.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.