Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are