GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.