The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’