My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My dog ate my work from home.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Who did it better?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.