My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?