(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.