you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*