[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
In case you needed to hear it:
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?