I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Smile they said.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.