#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.