You Might Also Like
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”